What a difference a month makes

Ah yes, clarity. I think the first moments of clarity are like a first hit after it's been a while. I've been clean for a month! I feel fucking fabulous. Call it a pink cloud or brain washing or whatever you care to call it. I call it another day that I am not harming myself and putting myself in another bad situation. Another day that I am not chasing the ever-fleeting high that I will never be able to catch again. I can almost feel the ramshackled ruins of my soul building solid foundations again. God, if I could only enjoy sobriety like this every day, I would never feel the need to get high again.

Maybe it is just how things must be

I don't need to be an angel. But I'm nothing if I'm not this high.

Can't Get high or You Will Die

A friend just got a bottle of OCs. She has no idea what to do with them. I know what to do with them. She is probably 300 miles away from me. I want to ask her to send them to me in the mail. I've been so good - I just can't fuck up. I have Alice in chains playing over and over in my head - "can't get high or you will die". What a drag.

The writing is not flowing

I love to write. I write constantly. So, I did not think it would pose a problem to add to my blog daily. As usual, I was wrong. The last couple of days i have felt like the life has been sucked out of me. I've been going through that "Someone please kill me" phase. I call it a phase because it occurs occasionally and it always passes. But when I am in it, it feels like it is the end of the world. i truly just want to get high. I swallowed a small handful of xanax the other day and it helped. I'm not a fan of the high that i get from xanax, because it does not feel like a high at all. BUT - at least it took away all feeling, which I think I need right now just for survival. Anyhow - I hope to be a bit more creative in a couple of days. Hopefully this ick will lift soon.

I feel caged today

I have returned to this blog 5 times today. Every time I start to type, all that comes out is a spew of anger and sickness. So, I close the window and wait to calm down. I am as calm as I have been all day. Despite a meeting and crying to a friend over the phone - I still want to eat someone's fucking face like a zombie in a horror film. I question if sobriety is possible today.

Now the Hard Part

After the drinking and using stops, the hard part begins. The question of maintaining sobriety and sanity. I took my first step. Powerlessness. I always dreamt of being the one having power, but now I had to abandon all my old views of myself and of you. With this submission I was flooded by emotional pain. This pain was not new. It had been hiding there all along. I kept it locked in a hidden room in the basement, sliding food and drink to it through a small slot. All the while it was growing bigger and stronger. I now had to open its prison door. I was sure that it would kill me. Through this I found God.

I am now on a spiritual journey to God's purpose and plan for my life. The journey so far has not been paved and guide signs are not always easy to read. God is quiet; I constantly question what God's will is. The true challenge is that most often I know what God's will is, but I have to have the willingness to follow through. It is easier to concentrate on what is not God's will. For instance, my self-condemnation. "I'll never succeed at anything", "No one gives a crap about me", and so on. I will actually put God in that no one category. How could he love me considering… I have to remind myself through prayer and meditation that God knows me. He knows every single part or me. I pray that he have all of me, the good and the bad.

I have not traveled far on my spiritual journey, but I have packed light and I'm ready for the long haul. Luckily it is not a lonely trek. There are others along the way that are there to help me through the course.

God Save Me

I have no idea who wrote this, but when I read it I thought someone was reading my soul:

God Save Me

God save me.
Take me away from the pain.
I'm losing my faith.
My life. My vision. My passion.
There's no compassion.
This pain is forever lasting.
I'm fasting,
Trying to find grace.
Get my mind out of this place.
My soul cries out.
I want to scream.
Trying to get redeemed.
The devil is in disguise,
Being fake, and trying to act wise.
All his lies.
Trying to tempt,
As he pretends.
He is picking at my brain.
Straight driving me insane.
I'm going crazy.
Trying not to let him phase me.
Look him in the eyes,
I see the hate.
I look to the Light,
I see true praise.
Please, Lord, let this be a phase.
Make him go away.
I want him to decay.
Please make him fade.
I can't take it any more.
My heart I pour,
As I'm trying to ignore.
He is coming at me hard core.
Worse than before.
Lord save me.
Embrace me.
I have faith in Thee.
Come on, Jesus,
Set me free.
My soul pleads.
I beg Thee,
For you are my trustee.
I count on Thee.