The Pharmacy is My Junkie Heaven

I've had a cold for a few days now. When the symptoms started I went to my drug cabinet and found a few of this cold medicine and that allergy medicine. I took what looked like the strongest first. I continued taking these meds as I felt that I needed them (which translates into often.) I did not bother to look at any labels or dosages. I was just taking medicine to attempt to relieve myself of this awful cold. This morning I took the last DayQuil. I am still sick. I actually had that feeling come back - "Oh no - I've ran out of drugs - I gotta go score some more." Yep, I am a drug addict.

At noon I went to a meeting. I haven't been in over a week. The meeting was good and I went to lunch with an AA'r afterwards. I was feeling "well", but my cold was kicking in with a vengeance. So, I stopped by the drug store on my way home to get some cold medicine. I scoped the isle looking for the strongest stuff. I wanted it to say "Extra Strength" and I didn't want the stuff that you could buy right there. I wanted the stuff that you had to request from behind the counter. I found it! The good ol' NyQuil. The emerald green, shit tasting, beauty of a liquid. I grabbed the square piece of paper with a picture of the NyQuil bottle on it and took it to the pharmacy counter. "I want this", I said, tapping on the picture like a tweeker. I felt good after my transaction. I was walking out of the store, swinging my bag, when a sale caught my eye. Q-tips for $1. No, I don't need Q-tips. But it hit me - that feeling. Q-tips were my favorite filter. I would pull the cotton off the end and roll it up to a perfect little ball. It was just the right size for the spoon. Then I would use the stick to move the water just enough to drown all the dope. The Q-tip brand wouldn't work though. It had to be the cheap generic ones so that the cotton would not stay on the stick.

Pharmacies are dangerous for me anyhow. A pharmacy is my favorite drug dealer. Nervously waiting in line to get that bottle of oxys, hydros, somas, xanax. Sure that this time they were going to say something about the fact that this is the 10th doctor to prescribe this med to me this month. I would always buy a bottle of water, but not at the same time that I got the pills. No, that would be too suspicious of course! Nevermind the fact that I insisted on waiting on the pills and I paced back and forth until they filled them. No, I would buy the pills and then go grab a water and buy it at the regular counter on the way out. The pharmacy is my junkie heaven.

21st Century Tribe

She does a ritual dance
Around the melting pool
Praising the crimson swirl
The storm before the calm

The ceremony begins
The blades are drawn
He bows to worship
Inhaling the rapture

With gathered gusto
They sound the chimes
Calling a chant
Baptized in the amber river

That was our rite of passage

Now she sits
Contained by walls

He wanders
Without a shrine

They search
For the end of the river

We all sit together
In this 21st century tribe
Warriors
Telling tall tales

This is our atonement

Experience, Strength, & Hope

Hi, my name is … and yes, I'm a member
How I got here? I can't quite remember.
My last thirty years are kind of a haze
Caused from what I called the "good ol' days"
Filled with booze, pills and drugs of all names
Sex, deceit and life threatening games
Waning into self-destruction
Humiliated by some dramatic production
Never deterred by hitting a bottom
I'd bounce right back without a problem
I egotistically thought I had control
Lied to my loved ones and played my roll
Letting them believe that I was getting better
Watching them be so proud of Heather
But in truth I still caused frustration
I'd fail to meet my obligations
My work day cut short by far
To have more than a few drinks at the bar
Rushing home to cook dinner and then when it's over
Passing out due to my mid-evening hangover
So I am here for the people I love
And due to the things that I am tired of
Your experience, strength and hope empowers
So that I may get through another 24 hours

The Storm Before the calm

Nauseous tablets
Stick in my throat
Washed down
With a caramel burn
Embered tin
Scorches fingertips
Preface to the choking smoke
Sharpened metal
Tears the skin
Drain me of my blood
All of this grief preluding
Perfect rapture
The storm before the calm

Everything is a Manifestation of God

If I could simply act in the best interest of others and those others could do the same, the small things wouldn't exist and the big things would be more tolerable. So, why is this fundamentally simple theory not easily carried out? Is it human nature for us to step on others to get to "the top"? Could it simply be survival of the fittest? What exactly is "the top"? Is it the car? The house? The job? The trophy wife/husband?

I think about my friends that have passed. I remember who they were. Just them. I have to stop and think for a minute to recall what they did for a living. I can't call to mind what most of them drove. I just remember the people they were and what they meant to me. So, what is the point to this struggle for notoriety, to be ""the best"?
I don't want to work more, so that I can make more money. I want to get to know the people I love better. I want to build more memories that we will always look back on, even after we have lost touch. I want to really enjoy my daydreams. I want to walk down the street holding hands, smiling at the old couple that I hope we may one day be. I want to live a truly spiritual life. I want to become aware of God's presence and purpose in everything. I simply want to be calm, free from worry, at peace.