What a difference a month makes

Ah yes, clarity. I think the first moments of clarity are like a first hit after it's been a while. I've been clean for a month! I feel fucking fabulous. Call it a pink cloud or brain washing or whatever you care to call it. I call it another day that I am not harming myself and putting myself in another bad situation. Another day that I am not chasing the ever-fleeting high that I will never be able to catch again. I can almost feel the ramshackled ruins of my soul building solid foundations again. God, if I could only enjoy sobriety like this every day, I would never feel the need to get high again.

Maybe it is just how things must be

I don't need to be an angel. But I'm nothing if I'm not this high.

Can't Get high or You Will Die

A friend just got a bottle of OCs. She has no idea what to do with them. I know what to do with them. She is probably 300 miles away from me. I want to ask her to send them to me in the mail. I've been so good - I just can't fuck up. I have Alice in chains playing over and over in my head - "can't get high or you will die". What a drag.

The writing is not flowing

I love to write. I write constantly. So, I did not think it would pose a problem to add to my blog daily. As usual, I was wrong. The last couple of days i have felt like the life has been sucked out of me. I've been going through that "Someone please kill me" phase. I call it a phase because it occurs occasionally and it always passes. But when I am in it, it feels like it is the end of the world. i truly just want to get high. I swallowed a small handful of xanax the other day and it helped. I'm not a fan of the high that i get from xanax, because it does not feel like a high at all. BUT - at least it took away all feeling, which I think I need right now just for survival. Anyhow - I hope to be a bit more creative in a couple of days. Hopefully this ick will lift soon.

I feel caged today

I have returned to this blog 5 times today. Every time I start to type, all that comes out is a spew of anger and sickness. So, I close the window and wait to calm down. I am as calm as I have been all day. Despite a meeting and crying to a friend over the phone - I still want to eat someone's fucking face like a zombie in a horror film. I question if sobriety is possible today.

Now the Hard Part

After the drinking and using stops, the hard part begins. The question of maintaining sobriety and sanity. I took my first step. Powerlessness. I always dreamt of being the one having power, but now I had to abandon all my old views of myself and of you. With this submission I was flooded by emotional pain. This pain was not new. It had been hiding there all along. I kept it locked in a hidden room in the basement, sliding food and drink to it through a small slot. All the while it was growing bigger and stronger. I now had to open its prison door. I was sure that it would kill me. Through this I found God.

I am now on a spiritual journey to God's purpose and plan for my life. The journey so far has not been paved and guide signs are not always easy to read. God is quiet; I constantly question what God's will is. The true challenge is that most often I know what God's will is, but I have to have the willingness to follow through. It is easier to concentrate on what is not God's will. For instance, my self-condemnation. "I'll never succeed at anything", "No one gives a crap about me", and so on. I will actually put God in that no one category. How could he love me considering… I have to remind myself through prayer and meditation that God knows me. He knows every single part or me. I pray that he have all of me, the good and the bad.

I have not traveled far on my spiritual journey, but I have packed light and I'm ready for the long haul. Luckily it is not a lonely trek. There are others along the way that are there to help me through the course.

God Save Me

I have no idea who wrote this, but when I read it I thought someone was reading my soul:

God Save Me

God save me.
Take me away from the pain.
I'm losing my faith.
My life. My vision. My passion.
There's no compassion.
This pain is forever lasting.
I'm fasting,
Trying to find grace.
Get my mind out of this place.
My soul cries out.
I want to scream.
Trying to get redeemed.
The devil is in disguise,
Being fake, and trying to act wise.
All his lies.
Trying to tempt,
As he pretends.
He is picking at my brain.
Straight driving me insane.
I'm going crazy.
Trying not to let him phase me.
Look him in the eyes,
I see the hate.
I look to the Light,
I see true praise.
Please, Lord, let this be a phase.
Make him go away.
I want him to decay.
Please make him fade.
I can't take it any more.
My heart I pour,
As I'm trying to ignore.
He is coming at me hard core.
Worse than before.
Lord save me.
Embrace me.
I have faith in Thee.
Come on, Jesus,
Set me free.
My soul pleads.
I beg Thee,
For you are my trustee.
I count on Thee.

Breaking through my walls

tough exterior
but i'm broken within
if i let down these walls
what will hold me together?

The Pharmacy is My Junkie Heaven

I've had a cold for a few days now. When the symptoms started I went to my drug cabinet and found a few of this cold medicine and that allergy medicine. I took what looked like the strongest first. I continued taking these meds as I felt that I needed them (which translates into often.) I did not bother to look at any labels or dosages. I was just taking medicine to attempt to relieve myself of this awful cold. This morning I took the last DayQuil. I am still sick. I actually had that feeling come back - "Oh no - I've ran out of drugs - I gotta go score some more." Yep, I am a drug addict.

At noon I went to a meeting. I haven't been in over a week. The meeting was good and I went to lunch with an AA'r afterwards. I was feeling "well", but my cold was kicking in with a vengeance. So, I stopped by the drug store on my way home to get some cold medicine. I scoped the isle looking for the strongest stuff. I wanted it to say "Extra Strength" and I didn't want the stuff that you could buy right there. I wanted the stuff that you had to request from behind the counter. I found it! The good ol' NyQuil. The emerald green, shit tasting, beauty of a liquid. I grabbed the square piece of paper with a picture of the NyQuil bottle on it and took it to the pharmacy counter. "I want this", I said, tapping on the picture like a tweeker. I felt good after my transaction. I was walking out of the store, swinging my bag, when a sale caught my eye. Q-tips for $1. No, I don't need Q-tips. But it hit me - that feeling. Q-tips were my favorite filter. I would pull the cotton off the end and roll it up to a perfect little ball. It was just the right size for the spoon. Then I would use the stick to move the water just enough to drown all the dope. The Q-tip brand wouldn't work though. It had to be the cheap generic ones so that the cotton would not stay on the stick.

Pharmacies are dangerous for me anyhow. A pharmacy is my favorite drug dealer. Nervously waiting in line to get that bottle of oxys, hydros, somas, xanax. Sure that this time they were going to say something about the fact that this is the 10th doctor to prescribe this med to me this month. I would always buy a bottle of water, but not at the same time that I got the pills. No, that would be too suspicious of course! Nevermind the fact that I insisted on waiting on the pills and I paced back and forth until they filled them. No, I would buy the pills and then go grab a water and buy it at the regular counter on the way out. The pharmacy is my junkie heaven.

21st Century Tribe

She does a ritual dance
Around the melting pool
Praising the crimson swirl
The storm before the calm

The ceremony begins
The blades are drawn
He bows to worship
Inhaling the rapture

With gathered gusto
They sound the chimes
Calling a chant
Baptized in the amber river

That was our rite of passage

Now she sits
Contained by walls

He wanders
Without a shrine

They search
For the end of the river

We all sit together
In this 21st century tribe
Warriors
Telling tall tales

This is our atonement

Time Past

As I've hastily spent my younger days
I can't help but smile as I reminisce
Days of laughter and perfectly wasted time
Moments like that no longer exist

Experience, Strength, & Hope

Hi, my name is … and yes, I'm a member
How I got here? I can't quite remember.
My last thirty years are kind of a haze
Caused from what I called the "good ol' days"
Filled with booze, pills and drugs of all names
Sex, deceit and life threatening games
Waning into self-destruction
Humiliated by some dramatic production
Never deterred by hitting a bottom
I'd bounce right back without a problem
I egotistically thought I had control
Lied to my loved ones and played my roll
Letting them believe that I was getting better
Watching them be so proud of Heather
But in truth I still caused frustration
I'd fail to meet my obligations
My work day cut short by far
To have more than a few drinks at the bar
Rushing home to cook dinner and then when it's over
Passing out due to my mid-evening hangover
So I am here for the people I love
And due to the things that I am tired of
Your experience, strength and hope empowers
So that I may get through another 24 hours

The Storm Before the calm

Nauseous tablets
Stick in my throat
Washed down
With a caramel burn
Embered tin
Scorches fingertips
Preface to the choking smoke
Sharpened metal
Tears the skin
Drain me of my blood
All of this grief preluding
Perfect rapture
The storm before the calm

Everything is a Manifestation of God

If I could simply act in the best interest of others and those others could do the same, the small things wouldn't exist and the big things would be more tolerable. So, why is this fundamentally simple theory not easily carried out? Is it human nature for us to step on others to get to "the top"? Could it simply be survival of the fittest? What exactly is "the top"? Is it the car? The house? The job? The trophy wife/husband?

I think about my friends that have passed. I remember who they were. Just them. I have to stop and think for a minute to recall what they did for a living. I can't call to mind what most of them drove. I just remember the people they were and what they meant to me. So, what is the point to this struggle for notoriety, to be ""the best"?
I don't want to work more, so that I can make more money. I want to get to know the people I love better. I want to build more memories that we will always look back on, even after we have lost touch. I want to really enjoy my daydreams. I want to walk down the street holding hands, smiling at the old couple that I hope we may one day be. I want to live a truly spiritual life. I want to become aware of God's presence and purpose in everything. I simply want to be calm, free from worry, at peace.