Now the Hard Part

After the drinking and using stops, the hard part begins. The question of maintaining sobriety and sanity. I took my first step. Powerlessness. I always dreamt of being the one having power, but now I had to abandon all my old views of myself and of you. With this submission I was flooded by emotional pain. This pain was not new. It had been hiding there all along. I kept it locked in a hidden room in the basement, sliding food and drink to it through a small slot. All the while it was growing bigger and stronger. I now had to open its prison door. I was sure that it would kill me. Through this I found God.

I am now on a spiritual journey to God's purpose and plan for my life. The journey so far has not been paved and guide signs are not always easy to read. God is quiet; I constantly question what God's will is. The true challenge is that most often I know what God's will is, but I have to have the willingness to follow through. It is easier to concentrate on what is not God's will. For instance, my self-condemnation. "I'll never succeed at anything", "No one gives a crap about me", and so on. I will actually put God in that no one category. How could he love me considering… I have to remind myself through prayer and meditation that God knows me. He knows every single part or me. I pray that he have all of me, the good and the bad.

I have not traveled far on my spiritual journey, but I have packed light and I'm ready for the long haul. Luckily it is not a lonely trek. There are others along the way that are there to help me through the course.